Izzy Land

Just got back from a week vacation of camping a couple days ago. Back to real life; back to hell...go to work in another 16 hours, yay skippin doo.
Makin a lil scrapbook and stuff...kinda gives me a lil boost and energy with the anorexia crap.
Honestly, feelin kinda distant. I don't want my fiance near me, and I don't even want me near me. What's the point when it'll go 'buh-bye' in the future. Just like with vacation...enjoy it while it lasts cuz soon it's back to the inferno where pain swallows you whole and you die lil by lil from suffocation.
And guess what? It's my birthday. Yay skippin doo, yet again. Might as well skip to my loo. I'm 21, though...can't stop me from drinkin no siree. Gotta find my driver's license for an ID cuz I can't find it. Gonna hafta search the whole house. As soon as I find it I'm out. Gotta find alcohol that's not gonna mess up my metabolism. Go for vodka or something and mix it with diet sierra mist or 7up or whatever.
but this is it...for the resta my life i'm not turning 22, nu uh no...every birthday that comes up i'm gonna be turnin 21 again. never turnin 22.
i'm sicka this growin up crap

vacation's over

Current Mood: moody

So, Sunday night I was all panicky. Had to go home from work early. As soon as I left work, I had a hard time breathing and everything. Then I started crying. Was a few hours before I musta fallen asleep from crying. Called in Monday night, and good thing, too, cuz I was all teary that night. Not sure exactly why I was feeling panicky, but I'm feeling better now.
But that's when I decided to go back to see a therapist or a counselor or whatever. I'm going to try to not bring my anorexia problems to the table...that's just not something I'm ready to give up. Maybe while I'm in the midst of fixing up the rest of my life the anorexia problems will disappear. What sucks is I have to wait until July 23rd for the appt. Ugh.
Went to a birthday party tonight. My fiance said that he was happy to see me eat. Guess he is noticing how lil I eat. When I eat I'll have to eat in front of him just so he can see I'm eating.
But omg I swear I could have had close to 2000 calories today. Honestly, I won't even attempt to add up all the calories cuz that'll only depress me. In fact, I'm not even going to weigh myself until the weekend's done.
This weekend I'll be partying...not quite sure how that's going to affect my metabolism or how much weight I'm gonna gain because of it. Maybe I'll wait until Tuesday to weigh myself. Or maybe I should weigh myself right after the weekend so I can see how fat I am and that'll convince me to lose more weight.
Before today, though, I was losing weight. I went on a fast from Sunday to Tuesday night. Had a bowl of soup worth 50 calories Tuesday night at work. But yea...then Wednesday (today) came alone and I think I ate too much. I hope the fasting didn't lower my metabolism too much so I hope I don't gain too much from this horrible binge.
We'll see...all in time.

i'm kinda scared, and i don't know if i should be. see, yesterday my fiance and i were making out a lil bit. keep in mind we've never had sex and we're waiting for marriage. but then, he was in the moment or something and he said "i have condoms"
now i'm scared
i will stand up for my right and say 'no' until it's time, and i don't view him as being forceful, but i'm a person of 'what ifs'. what if...he were to be forceful if he doesn't take 'no' for an answer.
and all this time i don't think i'm pretty enough...not attractive, and there's someone who does find me attractive but if something happens i'll never wanna be attractive.
i just have no one to talk to it seems, no close friends. i mean i have a really close friend but she and her husband are close with my fiance, too.
i just feel so sick
...
...
...
despite that, my weight has been doing real well. been losing weight and thsi milk of mag totally helps. only thing is i went to the bathroom a lot last night at work crapping. i made sure i didn't spend too much time in there, though, esp when it got really busy. i'll be going to bed, soon, but when i wake up this afternoon i'll post what my weight is. i really would like to be 118 by my birthday. and i'd like to be 110 by sept 1st. i'd like 110 to be my long term goal.

Current Mood: scared

So...the biggest news so far today. Lost more weight; now I'm 125.5 pounds as of 10 minutes ago when I woke up. Again, I'm not too sure if I wanna lose that much weight in a short amount of time, so I'll go grab something to eat. Maybe I'll treat myself to a chicken flamethrower sandwich at DQ and then go to the gym. Which I have to go to now...but I'll finish my blog.
Things went better at work last night. I was orientating someone again. She kinda reminds me of me. Very loud, talkative, weird...I mean...me when I'm not so focused on work. She really hasn't had a chance to see that side of me, yet. Work has been so stressful and busy that I have been focused and down to business. *sigh* if only I could have been that focused during school last semester.
OMG...and...last night...I didn't freak out. I mean...ok...I'll start from beginning. Or closer to the beginning. Anyway, a co-worker stepped on someone's mirror last night cuz it fell on the floor earlier or something. I was picking up the pieces, and omg...I had those memories. Those memories of what I did to broken mirror pieces, or broken drinking glass pieces. But hey...look at me now...I got through those memories and thoughts without any battle wounds. Yay to me. I feel like I should get a metal or a trophey or something, though. Something to show how well I've been doing. But then, just seeing clean skin is good enough.
Tomorrow I leave to go camping with my family. I'm honestly kinda worried about this weekend. Not with my relationship with my family cuz that's doing loads better. Just the fact that I'll be expected to eat every meal with them. They're going to shove food down my throat. Really scared. Well...
Friday night supper is hot chicken...that won't be bad. Dad and I make the chicken so hot that your nose runs, your eyes run, and you can actually feel the hotness going throughout your intestines, so a couple hours later you can say "yup...the food is right here and ready to come out the other end pretty soon. Then, when it comes out, it burns your rectum cuz it's still so hot. So I'm thinking I don't need to worry about calories to much there.
For breakfast it's eggs, which I can't eat scrambled eggs cuz they're too gross. I hope they'll let me skip breakfast or at least just let me have a slice of toast. For Saturday lunch is sandwiches...ok, pretty simple. For Saturday supper is brats...that's gonna kill it right there. I'm going to be introducing my family to pudgie pies then, too. I'll try to make a low calorie pudgie pie and see if that can be my supper. 
It's gonna be hard. I prolly won't even be hungry for much over the weekend. I guess if I do eat a lil too much I can just go for walks the whole day to burn it off.
Ok, I'm off to the gym now, so ta ta!

Current Mood: complacent

I'm working so hard at work; I'm feeling drained. Most of the crew at night quit, so we're trying to fill in all the gaps. Trying to orientate new people (which means having someone follow me around like a shadow all night). I'm patient, though, despite how much my space is invaded while orientating. I know when I start something new I'm a lil puppy dog.
Towards the end of the night/beginning of morning, though, I was so upset at these two co-workers I seriously needed a punching bag. And I don't have one!!! I need some way to let out my frusteration in a healthy way but for me it needs to be physical. Merely 'meditating' and 'relaxing' does not work. I'm kinda like Buffy from the show...I just need to physically do something. I really wish I had a punching bag or something. I'd rather punch a bag than...doing other things...
OMG, 22 1/2 weeks. How have I gone this long??? I shouldn't be dwelling on it, I know...but I usually break down by now. I've just been fighting so hard this year, trying to find healthy ways of expressing my stress, finding a healthy outlet. It's just so hard. I come so close some nights to falling in that hole and starting the bad habit again.
But me fighting has made me a better person. I've been working harder, working on ways to make myself look and feel and be better.
Sometimes I wonder if I should go back to a therapist about all the issues I needed to take care of last year. I mean...6-10 years of a bad habit, and having it all of a sudden disappear cold turkey? The thought is still there. I'm still trying to find means of finding a good outlet. Life is just so stressful. And with the wedding coming up next year, maybe I want to start the marriage on a good note.
Stuff I've been thinking about the past few months. The last time I went to the therapist (which was also the first) it took me a year and a half to finally make an appointment and go. But then I started college a few months later and I couldn't get health insurance at work anymore since I wasn't full time, so I went over to my dad's health insurance. He wouldn't let me use his insurance for mental reasons and said "only for emergency situations". So, since last September I hadn't been to a doctor.
Maybe I don't even need one, though. I AM doing pretty well so far...I have been working on good self control. I'm in control. I have control.
Oy

I been eating, but I have been trimming my portions. I think I was just retaining water or something for a few days, for I'm back down a few pounds like to where I was half a week ago.
128.5 my scale says.
That makes me feel good...kinda...
I wanna be back to 118 by July 1st. If I'm gonna do it healthy by only losing 2 pounds a week I need to be at 126 by this Sunday. Then do 2 pounds a week.
Got a gym membership today...well...kinda...my credit card wouldn't let me but I just paid off everything on my card so I guess it'll clear in 48 hours...
then I'll have my gym membership.
My middle sis has her choir concert tonight at 7:30. Gonna be tight on time cuz I gotta be at work at 9:30. Good thing she's only in mixed choir cuz mixed choir plays first. I'll have to dodge out after mixed choir sings to go to work.
We'll see if I'm nauseous at work tonight lol...I won't eat anything tonight so it doesn't come up at work tonight. And, make sure I drink plenty of water. And green tea.
I'm going camping this weekend with my family. My fiance isn't coming with me...he said he's going to work. But I am excited about camping anyway. I'm going to introduce pudgie pies to my family this weekend. On Saturday, I'm going to hike all day. I'm gonna spend all day hiking and enjoying nature. The one thing that relaxes me.
Gawd I love and miss camping. The past 4 years or so I haven't gone camping like I said I would. This summer, however, I am NOT picking up ANY hours at work on my weekends off. I'll pick up during the week, but my weekends off are my weekends off. I'm gonna spend them camping and time with my friends (the few I have anyway).
Maybe with the gym membership and the camping and the relaxation I can pull myself out of these cycles of depression. Sometimes I'm fine and 'normal' and happy...other times I just wanna scream and cry. Especially when I feel like the biggest failure in the world.
But the thing is...I was a failure last semester in college. I'm gonna go back, though. Not this year and prolly not for what I was going for originally, but I will go back. Someone at work said I'd be good working with handicapped or disabled or maybe some camps for that or something cuz I have a great personality and great kindness for people.
Something to think about anyway.

Current Music: rock

Great. So here I am. 
I guess I'll post the biggest thing that's being a real pain in the ass to me right now.

5' 5'' and I'm 130 lbs...approximately. If you wanna know how much 130 lbs is in kg divide by 2.2 which wil give you...something...
I don't care.

I been feeling pretty nauseous the past couple of days and I don't know why. I've also binged really bad the past week.

I'm getting to the point if I start binging the way I have been I'm going to start purging. I've tried it before.
Didn't really like how I felt.
But I'm desperate.

9 months ago I was 118 lbs. Wasn't happy with that weight, but at this point I would be happy with that weight.

But no...
went to college
started dating a guy (who is now my fiance)
gained weight
failed college
gained more weight
failed life

but my goal now is
to lose weight
to have control of my life
to lose more weight
and be a succeeder

the only thing on my mind right now is trying to find a way to induce vomiting.
apparently starving myself doesn't work anymore

Current Mood: aggravated